IT'S ALL GOOD

Sometimes, life can be great. You know, when nothing can seem to go wrong, everything you've planned is coming together, when you feel unstoppable and God best step off your nuts, or he's gonna get his jaw lit up.

This week has been the complete opposite of the above statement. See, me being the idiot I am, I decided that some people were trustworthy enough to borrow rather large sums of money from me. I was promised I would see it again, and I had no reason not to trust them. Now, however, 2 weeks after the borrowing commenced, I have yet to see dollar one of this money.

I'm not big on being stingy over a couple of bucks. If people ask if they can borrow $5, I usually give it to them without really expecting to get it back. $5 is not something to get all worked up about, and anyone who throws a bitch-fit about such a meager sum of money should be locked up somewhere dark and damp. Greedy assholes don't deserve sunlight.

This, however, was not $5. In fact, it was roughly 120 times that much. And I am PISSED.

Now, things wouldn't be so bad if they had paid me back, even a little bit later, but now they're asking for MORE. I told them they could all rot, and I hope they trip and break something vital to their bipedal movement. I guess I should've known better, but what can I say...I'm a big sucker sometimes.

So this one is dedicated to all 3 of you who don't have the general decency to pay me back after I helped you fuckers out. May your days be blessed with an allergic reaction to the sun, and your nights the burning fire of herpes. You fucking assholes.

CANDIRIA IS THE SHIT

You'll have to excuse my lack of creativity or originality in the title, but I don't give half a fuck: Candiria is the shit. Period. A few years ago, some dirty hippie (Who happened to go to St. Mary's College, which I talked about earlier), after listening to them, said that the Grateful Dead were the best period. Hah!

What's Candiria? Candiria is a 5 piece band from Brooklyn, N.Y., that primarily combines hardcore, metal, and rap, adds a hefty helping of some smooth, spaced-out jazz, and sprinkles on top tribal beats, ethereal sounds, latin music, and other wierd shit they just pull out. The difference between Candiria and other bands who try this "fusion" of different sounds is that these other bands know jack shit about the style they're trying to incorporate...Candiria is more than adept at playing all the styles of music they throw into their completely original sound. Moreso, Candiria is comprised of 4 musicians who are world-class pro quality. Think they can't play your shitty Grateful Dead, you carrot fucking hairy Cyber-Hippies? You're wrong.

Let's get any questions out of the way now: Candiria is brutal. They murder your aural senses with time changes that occur in a subtle manner, suddenly, or GRADUALLY. Yeah, you heard me: These motherfuckers go from 90 bps to 160 gradually over 16 bars. While playing a complicated-as-hell riff. Could Jerry Garcia do that? No. All he could do was write shitty songs, get old, die, and have an ass-nasty ice cream named after him. Cherry ice cream? No thanks. I'd rather vomit up a bologna sandwich and eat it again.

They also can manage to play what seem to be random notes in complete harmony between all the members of the band over 32 bars, which is evidenced in their CD I just picked up, 300% Density. I know, it came out in 2001, but I've been slacking on buying their new album. I own Process of Self-Development, and have for a while, but finding 300% Density and The C.O.M.A Imprint (their other new one, which, you guessed it, I don't have) where I live is almost impossible. Finding a ride to the CD store an hour away that DOES have them is just fucking impossible.

So, if you like shitty music about flowers written by PETA enthusiasts, you might want to steer clear of Candiria: You people have an innate ability to like music with absolutely no talent involved. Not only that, but the off-timed drumbeats might confuse you people into thinking the band messed up...but they all messed up at the same time, LOL!11!!!11

But to you music lovers (I.E. People who think Blind Melon and Rusted Root are infected pimples on the face of all that is good and wholesome), beware as well: Candiria is not for everyone. Some people, especially you elitist death metal pricks, just hate music that isn't what they're used to. If you're expecting some 64th note solos played over the same rehased drumbeat thats been raped since the mid 80's, all while some cookie-monster sounding lead singer belts out praises to some bullshit god or talking about decaptiating whores with their swords of vengeance, you might want to skip Candiria too. And while you're at skipping them, you might want to consider swallowing a shotgun blast.

To those people who truly have an open mind about music, go buy 300% Density right now. It's an aural journey into heavy music that has yet to be created. These guys, while bearing a teeny tiny resemblence to the nu-metal trend (which just died a sudden, horrible death when people realized it sucked), are true originals and years ahead of their time. Go download "Without Water" to get a glimpse at the best fucking band on the planet.

Money: The Ultimate Personality Test

Before I start ranting, it appears as though my current image hosting site is a piece of shit too. Fuck you, Villagephotos.

Anyway, with that out of the way, one of my friends sent me this junk mail ad for a personality test on some random site which I won't mention (www.thespark.com). I've taken enough personality tests in my teen years applying for jobs and a few others online to know they're bullshit: They usually end up making wide, sweeping general statements from questions you answered. It's like every fucking personality test on the 'net has been developed by that sham artist John Edwards.

So, I sat back thinking about what could possibly determine how a person is...and the answer struck me like a vegan outside of a fur coat galleria: Money.

Simply put, give someone $10,000,000.00 and see what happens. Sure, its an expensive test, but there is no other, more accurate way of showing how people truly are.

If someone is an asshole when they're poor or working class, they will be even more of an asshole when they're rich. If someone acts nice but is truly an asshole underneath, the multi-million dollar status and the power that come with it will unearth that nasty personality trait. Because he's fucking rich, and doesn't need half-wit friends like you when he can buy all the best friends. If someone is a truly giving and great person, then, not only will they become even more generous with that considerable sum, they will become broke because of all you rich assholes and schemers out there. If they were a tightwad with the $230 paycheck they got from McDonald's, don't expect them to loan you $200 to cover you insurance this month. Because it's THEIR money, you gold digging street walker.

Yeah. Not only would the money truly show the real person underneath, it would magnify their personality several times. Rich people tend to be insecure, fake, and pompous. Some other rich people, like Bill Gates, don't generally tend to change much, but instead figure they can buy a personality with a multi-million dollar house with person-sensitive digital artwork. Hey fuckwad: Thanks for providing evidence for me. Not only were you a thieving uber-geek before, but now you're a competition crushing/buying monopolizer...and your hair still looks like the ass-end of a labrador thats contracted mange. You'd figure with 70+ billion in your account you could afford a fucking haircut.

Why does money magnify how people are? Easy: People are greedy, power-hungry, and generally distrustful. There are exceptions to the rule, but none of these exceptions reside in either Congress or the House. Hell, those guys are assholes and they aren't even that rich. Imagine what a group Senators would be if their pay increased five-fold?

I, myself, don't fall under the asshole category...contrary to what you might think. I've come across a nice sum of money at one point in my life and I was pretty good about it...I wasn't slinging my money around to any person who needed a bag of chips or a video game (Especially those despicable jerkoffs who don't ever call you except to ask if they can borrow some money), but I wasn't tipping waiters the remaining change to make my bill even, either. God damn, I'm a pretty good guy.

So, who would you be if you ran across 10 mil? If you have to think about it, you're lying to yourself.

You Are What You Eat

It's been a while since I had a McDonald's burger. I can remember, being a kid, loving Big Macs and double cheeseburgers from there. After getting 2 double cheeseburgers from the drive through just a little bit ago, I can honestly say this: I was a stupid kid.

The burgers were nothing less than the worst thing I've ever had to eat. I think I'd rather eat a block of Velveeta or go scavenging for grubs in the woods than eat another one of those grease-laden abominations of modern society. I didn't even eat more than a bite from the 2nd burger, and already I feel like I swallowed a cannonball or a small car.

It's not that "I'm-full-I-feel-good-time-for-a-nap" feeling you get with real food...it was more along the lines of a "I-think-I'm-going-to-vomit-a-VW" feeling. I can now, honestly, put getting a McDonald's burger around the top of my list of things I'd rather go through atmospheric re-entry naked than ever, ever do again.

To make matters worse, on the way home I managed to hear a "Mickey Deez" ad on the radio...if you haven't heard their new "urban" ad's, consider yourself untainted: the commercial starts with some sort of spoken word dialogue that's supposed to be similar to rapping, but sounds more like they pulled the geekiest white kid off the street and told him his motivation is making the shittiest ad ever, with hopes it will appeal to an urban audience. Also...they no longer want to see you smile, moreover, they want to make sure you feel that you're "lovin' it", complete with relaxed English and a hip-hop feel.

I guess this goes along the lines of all the other half-baked ads that have been popping up everywhere with an attempted urban feel...maybe someone should tell these people that the ads convey a "suburban white kid trying to be black" feel, and end up making the corporation and advertising company look like complete jackasses who should be beaten with a sack of brass doorknobs.

I'm serious. I just can't imagine any of our urban population somehow connecting to these ads anymore than people take a Mentos ad seriously. I'm most defintely a suburban kid, so I can't say for sure, but I think it would be more offensive than anything to see huge, multi-billion dollar corporations using slang and trying to hop on trends that went out the door 3 years ago to increase their bottom line. Next thing you know we're going to hear the Thong Song on a Burger King ad, complete with their new slogan, "Flame-Grizzle Is Da Shizzle, Word!"

On the positive side of things: My Brita filter is the shit. I have one of those square containers that reside in your fridge, not one of the attachments that go directly on the faucet. It's been about a month since I changed the filter on it, as I noticed my water starting to taste just a little bit like chlorine. So, naturally, I go to replace it. The filter is already thrown away, but believe me: If you had seen the black goo this thing had taken out of the water, you'd be afraid to drink anything from a faucet. It looked like someone had scraped the filter around in a gas station bathroom, and then just taken a shit on it. It smelled bad, looked bad, and, although I didn't try it, I'm sure the taste wasn't too pleasant either.

Brita has my eternal thanks and business. Out of all the bullshit "health" products circling the U.S. market these days, this is probably the best one. Fuck Aquafina, give me my Brita.

St. Mary's College

Since everyone but 3 people (Mom included) hate me now, and I'm bored and need some sort of human contact, I figured I'd see what the peoples were doing tonight.

Mom was watching the History Channel. I opted to call the other 2.

They were heading down to St. Mary's College, a bastion of liberal arts, bug-eyed vegans, and hairy women. I told them there was no way in hell I was going down there. They wondered why, but I told them it was a long story and I'd rather go jump off a skyscraper, head-first, right into Rosie O'Donnell's vagina without a nose plug than ever, ever go back there. I made 2 mistakes the last time I went there:

My first mistake was actually going down there. My second mistake was talking to a student. I'll explain:

Walking up a path to the Juniors dormitories (It's named after some historical St. Mary's County figure) I could see a fair amount of people gathered, being fairly loud and obviously drunk. I assumed that, these being drunk college people about my age, I might make some new friends. I guess someone forgot to tell me that "making friends" involved the following list of prerequisites:

1. Knowing the entire Grateful Dead discography.
2. Playing the entire discography on a pawn-shop quality nylon acoustic guitar.
3. Sounding like shit doing it, and people loving you.
4. Nappy dreadlocks.
5. Clothes that look like they came out of a dumpster, but cost a fortune. It's "IRONIC".
6. No food with a face! Hah!
7. Owning a Volkswagen Beetle, Honda Civic, or any model of ridiculously priced luxury cars that a college student can't afford without daddies money.
8. A trust fund.
9. Avoiding contact with running water at all costs.
10. Placing pornography everywhere I live, but still being against "degradation of women."
11. Paculli.
12. Drinking beer that isn't domestic, because domestic beer is for losers or "townies". (More on that later)
13. A completely self-righteous opinion on everything, right down to dumb shit like eyelashes and box-folding.
14. Being pro-environment but still throwing beer and liquor bottles all over the college lawn.
15. Actually having to attend the college. People who are residents of the area are excluded, regardless of personality or education.
15a. Drug dealers are excluded. They may do drugs and/or fuck randomly, but full-time residence
on the college is not encouraged.
15b. Local girls with a hot set and a loose crotch are, likewise, excluded.
16. Listen to bullshit music that can't be from any later than 1962.
16a. "Popular" artists from that era are discouraged.
17. Knowing the entire menu at Starbucks by heart, including seasonal drinks.
18. Claiming you "love the county, it's beautiful!", but have seen roughly 3 square miles of it: The college, and a bar called The Green Door roughly 2 miles away from it.

So, anyway, I knew I was in for a rough night when I walked up to the crowd and introduced myself. The first question asked was, "Are you new here?" Me, being the idiot I am and taking their gracious welcome as, well, genuine, told them that I actually lived here. All of a sudden, I went from possibly being a new friend right to a leper that sleeps in elephant shit. Then the girl who asked if I was new here made the most fucked-up remark I've ever heard.

"Oh, he's a townie."

A TOWNIE? What the fucking hell? These people assume that since you live here, you must have been born and bred here. Yes, all the residents here engage in tipping cows and fucking their cousin who has a colostomy bag...for all 8 years of first grade! Hyuk! Since none of the students even leave the grounds (with the exception of going to Starbucks or just plain leaving), I guess they missed the extremely large MILITARY BASE.

I figured, oh, okay, rough start, no problem! So I figured I'd show them I wasn't some dim-witted, genetically challenged local with a bright future in road cone moving or fry cooking. A few people were sitting in a semi-circle of sorts, and were talking about vegan diets. I am no vegan. In fact, if I had to do this again, I would've walked right up to the circle of dipshits, bit the head off a live chicken, and spit it on some lucky persons lap. But, no, I was nice and stupid, so I figured I'd give a CON to their entirely PRO discussion of "no food with a face!"

Bad idea. I brought up the fact that millions of animals are killed in the mass-harvesting of fields. My points were dismissed as "stupid, mainstream, bullshit thinking" and that "there's far less animals killed in the harvesting process than by the meat companies!" One person even went the total jackass pseudo-intellectual route and used the word "corporate brainwashing." Whoops, I guess a differing opinion is bad! Especially when I don't see the big picture: They're in school, so they must know everything! Only people who know everything go to places to LEARN, am I right?

Makes no sense, right? Of course it doesn't. It's how these nonsensical professor puppets act: Like idiots with zero common sense. The funniest thing is that they think they're very open minded.

News Flash: Open-minded people don't find it necessary to judge others nor shove their beliefs down others throats. Which is exactly what you sorry fucks do on a daily basis, because you're trying to "make a difference." Real open-minded people lead by example, they don't throw pretty multi-colored flyers out and assume anyones stupid enough to actually read them.

Why not make a real difference, but down the bong for a few minutes, get a REAL education from this high-dollar college daddy is breaking the bank to send you to, and go change things in the REAL WORLD. Not the MTV REAL WORLD. The real world outside of your convenient little 3 square mile bubble where everything is fine, dandy, and smells like dirt, ass, and alcohol.

So I walked away. I walked to my car and went right the fuck home. On the way home I got a 7-11 hotdog and drank something with milk in it. Just out of spite.

Fuck St. Mary's College. I hope each and every one of their whining liberal asses gets eating by something. Either that or daddy pulls the money because he discovers Junior is smoking the shit out of his several-grand-large allowance and the poor dipshit is forced to work a shit job. A shit job I'll go into and treat them like shit. Because they deserve it.